I have pondered across the idea since I first started blogging in January this year about opening up and letting you see the real me, and I felt this would be a good place to start. It's really important to understand firstly before discussing 'Anxiety' as a topic, that there are an uncountable amount of different types of anxiety that people suffer with each and every day, and everyone who has gone through or is going through this emotional roller coaster of emotions is a real person but can be seen as a bit more fragile than others - and it's also important for those with anxiety to understand that not everyone will know how what it is like to go through this or even how to help someone who does have anxiety and both types are completely normal.
I am in the 'better stages' (if you can word it like that) of being someone who has suffered with anxiety, I have had heightened stages and levels of anxiety mainly when I was at school due to the stress of trying to be good enough, impressing my teachers and getting the grades, partly because of the pressure which is piled onto us at such a young age (and everyone I'm sure can relate to the feeling of exam season coming around, planning your next stages in life and always being told how important the exams are - which they are, but they certainly are NOT the making of you and the be all or end all of your life!) If you worry a lot about school life, the important thing is to tell someone - a friend/teacher/parent and make sure every decision is yours and right for you - I had the perfect little idea all through school of going to University and studying to be a Barrister - which at the age of 20 I still can do, but in my latter years of Sixth Form I decided the stress and unhappiness I felt at school was not worth putting myself through another 4 years of, so I finished with great A-Level results and started working for a Housing Association, and I have progressed so fast in the year and a half I've worked there and my manager and senior management team have rooted for me every step of the way. I see my success being in the career path I have chose, and sometimes starting from the bottom, working your way up to the top is the best decision for you, and for others it may be the education route. But I stand by my decision.
Another stem of my anxiety is due to something much deeper which is the thought of dying. I understand that this may sound very small to some of you and to others, it could be your triggering factor too. I can get very anxious, have sweaty palms and have panic attacks when I'm in a room and people are discussing death, or being with someone who is very ill. I have always been very frightened by the idea and it gets to a point where I feel I have to escape to be safe this has happened before in my classroom in Science where I literally ran out and had a panic attack outside the classroom just because someone mentioned dying and I felt as if it was about to happen and I literally could not cope, now finding that safe place can be in a room, (normally a bathroom ha) or in my car, just somewhere where I feel completely alone and at peace with my emotions. And yes it makes me angry/upset as I tell myself 'it will happen one day, and everyone talks about it so why can't I?' honestly, I don't think i'll ever be completely OK with the idea and I wonder if I will ever feel OK to talk about it, but that's the important thing about anxiety that you need to remember, you shouldn't rush yourself or blame yourself, as it's a small part of you that you cannot change, it is not my identity or who I am, it's just a tiny piece of the make-up of me and I am fine with that, but I will remain focusing on each day as it comes as today could be horrible but you'll never know what tomorrow may bring.
Living with anxiety is a very strange thing, at times it may feel like you are two people, one quite logical and stable and the other very panicky and one who over-thinks even the simplest of things. It can happen and strike at any time, even in your happiest times, you may get a sudden burst of worry or panic over something you cannot control, possibly something which may happen in the future and because you have absoutley no control over what will happen you resort in the flight or fight mode - which is as it states, you either force and fight yourself through it, no matter what may happen, or you get away and escape from the feelings completely. There will be days where you'll use all of your mental energy just to get through a presentation, or even calling someone and trying to combat one of your fears, and I'd love to be able to say one day I/you will never, ever suffer with anxiety again, but I understand that I probably won't be able to do that so instead i'll learn to get around the difficult challenges and to put myself first and slowly reach out of my comfort zones. But eventually these 'little' fears will be easier to accomplish and I won't feel mentally and emotionally drained and tired at the thought of trying to control every aspect of my life and I'll focus more on the bigger challenges that I am facing, and yet to face. It is very important to be true with yourself when you are coming to terms with the fact that you are suffering, and want to change it, you need to understand that you may take 10 steps forward just to go back by 100 steps, you need to understand that you cannot click your fingers and feel 'fixed' you need to remain focused and push yourself like you've never pushed yourself before, and it'll get easier that I can make a promise to you that it will, it may even make sense some of the feelings you once had. Start to think - what I am panicking about right this second, right now.. what is the worst that's going to happen? For me, I have to ask myself 'If I put myself in this situation, how likely is it that I'll die?' and I can honestly say 9.5 times out of 10 i'll always answer 'impossible' and when you learn your benchmark, and come to terms with your fear you'll be able to measure exactly how will this effect you.. and how bad can it be to just say "YES".
Fast forward, I never thought I'd have the confidence to start my own blog up - and guess where I am - sat here writing my third post of the day for you all. I will admit I did panic for years before thinking negatively about setting up my own blog, and eventually a YouTube channel (which is where I want to progress this little adventure to!) but I've made it - it may of taken me 2-3 years to think now is the right time, but at least I've got over that first hurdle and honestly I feel so silly for ever worrying, my blog is my little happy place and I love every second that I spend on my blog. If you, yes YOU are reading this and currently on the fence about doing something and telling yourself you can't do it, then I hope this post can give you some reassurance in me saying 'I root for you!' or just the confidence to say YES and do it.. find your measurement - and well, what could possibly go wrong? You never know you may even say thank-you one day. But until then, be your biggest fan and stop telling yourself that this horrible thing called anxiety is the making of you, because in all honesty it shouldn't be and do not feel like you're the only person on earth suffering, as I promise you that you aren't and your loved ones will always be willing to listen, although at times they may not understand exactly just how you feel and what is going on, having people that love and care is all that matters and you are the driver of your life so grab it with both hands and take on anything that comes to you. As you can do it, one step at a time.
I hope you enjoyed this slightly different post and if you did please leave a '<3' in the comment section below. Love Em xxx
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